Otis is heartbroken. He really believes that I am not good for him. His mind is no longer on me. I become his best friend and no longer his lover/partner. We’ve officially broken up.
Otis goes on what he calls a “Synchronicity Freestyle Travel:” no plan, no expectations, just synchronicities.
Shamelessly, I keep track of his adventure on his social media. Through the digital world we are connected more than ever. I see what he does, where he goes and that good fortune always seems to materialize for him out of nowhere. Everywhere he goes, he meets wonderful people and has fun everyday.
Otis has not had sex with me for two years and now he is completely free. The first thing he does, is, well, meet girls. Lots of girls. He looks really happy and appears to be regaining the confidence he lost during our partnership. In my sleepless nights, I imagine him having wild sex with every new girl he meets.
He arrives in Portland, capital of cool young hipsters. He stays with his best friend and meets the owner and spiritual leader of a young Burning Man community there. I am inspired by their website: people living in harmony, having fun, making art, surrounded by nature. Yet I feel bitter inside my heart.
Otis is living the community life we talked about and it depresses me. I miss my man and wonder how I’ve found myself in the pits again.
Of course he meets someone in that wonderfully conscious community. She is only 22 years-old, a yoga teacher and training to be a masseuse. She has a lovely, beautiful face and a slim firm body. She is thoroughly ‘new age,’ having grown up as the only child of a pair intellectual lesbians in San Francisco. She must have had such a magical upbringing.
I call Otis and he does not call me back for over a week. Finally, I get him on the phone. “Hey, how are you?” For the first time in years, he is having fun with someone his age. They talk about young people things, silly little things, fun things and pop culture, which I have no interest in. I pop the big question that is on my mind: “Are you having sex with her?”
“Oh, yes. She loves to be loud,” he giggles. “We make lots of noise but nobody would bang on walls to stop love-making here.”
My Catholic upbringing taught me to be very quiet. Even the Prostitute in me is quiet. That’s how quiet I am. Compared to the young girl, I am like a nun living in a nunnery. In fact, there must be a nun inside me. I make a note to do another Soul Retrieval to recover that nun inside me.
How can I compete with a 22 year-old yoga teacher with a beautiful body and mind? I’m shattered.
“I want come visit! I want to see this beautiful community with my own eyes.”
“It won’t be a good idea,” he says.
“Okay, I understand. How about taking a break from all that hot sex to visit me for a few days?”
“Nah,” he says.
It’s quite a blow to my ego. It begins to dawn on me that I might have lost him for good this time.
All day long, I’m in a black mood. My Black Witch hisses, “Tizzy!” My Black Witch loves to fight with Tizzy, Otis’s inner Black Wizard, and now that he is gone, she attacks me instead. “It’s all your fault! You are a heavy load!”
I can’t argue with the Black Witch. It’s all true. I am older, my ideas are heavy and my world is full of worries. The Prostitute is very upset as well. “Having sex with random girls is one thing. Falling in love with a real girl is not acceptable!” She is heartbroken and rarely comes out to play. The Inner Child, Chu Dai Hing, is looking for the missing “boy-next-door” like she used to have in Hong Kong. “He is gone,” she repeats over and over again. She hides and rarely comes out.
Three failed marriages and another marriage about to fail – I feel drained. I hide in my house. I cannot believe that all my efforts for a good relationship have failed yet again. I consider love to be one’s most important spiritual journey. These journeys have not gone well for me so far. I feel like a failure. My soul work amounts to nothing.
Sophia begins to fade away. When I ask her questions, I don’t hear from her. I have no idea why this is happening. Without my spirit guide, I feel completely alone.
Depression hits me hard.