6 The Wounded Mother

I take a walk on Venice Beach along the ocean shore. I feel the presence of Sophia as her 5D lightbody walks alongside me. If someone were able to see both the physical and the non-physical realms, they would see two ladies walking but just one pair of footprints pressed into the wet sand.

Sophia is very quiet. I can feel she is pleased, not at all sad like me. She says, “Oh, it’s ok…a lover’s quarrel is all. All good, all good.” I wish I were as sanguine as her.

I open up to Sophia. “Work means a lot to me. I want to share not only a private but also a working relationship with my man. It was an important event to me. Our first Funkmeyer show together! We had the whole show planned. I had everything memorized and then he waltzes in at the last minute and changes the whole show! I feel he has no clue about how to love me.”

Sophia listens and nods in agreement. “Yes, yes, I hear you…you feel as if he doesn’t know how to love you because he doesn’t know you work best according to plan.”

“That’s right! In the past I would have lashed out at him but this time I don’t want to. I am a Black Witch who doesn’t want to be a Black Witch any longer.”

Suddenly, I realize that all those years of anger had protected me from feeling another emotion: a deep well of sadness. Who wants to feel sadness when one can just lash out and hurt the other person instead? Heartbreak is much harder to endure than anger.

Sophia says, “You feel heart broken. Oh, my…tell me more, go deeper into this sadness.”

I reach deeply into my heart, while my eyes scan the horizon, the beach, the sun, the scattered sunbathers. Suddenly an image pops into my mind. I’m staring at a police officer’s mouth as his words come out in slow motion. What he is saying is out of sync with the rest of his face. “Your boyfriend has been molesting your 13 year-old daughter for a year…”

My boyfriend has been molesting my daughter for a year!? Never, not for a minute, had I suspected him! The man I had been living happily with for the last ten years? The man I loved and admired? I had asked my daughters to call him ‘father.’ I distinctly feel the steel gray walls of the room crack and break like an ancient Arctic glacier that is about to plunge into the ocean.

I wasn’t aware that knees had souls until mine buckled. I feel the souls of my knees give out before my physical knees follow. Everything slows down and gives way to every minute detail: the facial hair of the police officer, his many pores, his starched uniform, the crackle of his radio, the enormous pistol at his hip, his shiny boots. Finally my physical knees buckle too and my butt hits the ground. Bang! My eyes are unfocused and track wildly like a blind person’s…

Immediately, I notice my soul floating above my sprawled out body and the sensation is so strange! There are three versions of me and they are each observing the others. My soul bit hovers underneath the ceiling looking down at my body as the police officer supports my staggering body. Instinctively I fly up to the ceiling to join my soul bit and together we look down at our body. I feel the tremendous pain my soul is suffering from the traumatic news. I wrap her into my arms. My soul bit begins to cry on my shoulder and her tears make me cry. I cry with my soul, I feel her pain – her pain is my pain.

I tell my soul bit eight years have passed since that day. The soul bit, who looks just like me, is incapacitated and incapable of words. I comfort her (myself) by showing her scenes from the next two years: I spent two years in deep depression, unable to face the world. I stopped talking and didn’t see anyone. I discovered many aspects of myself that I had not seen until then. I had a drinking problem. I was a stoner. I was hateful to my then boyfriend. I neglected the children. I thought I was a good mother and I was but I was also a monster. Those were hard realizations.

I say to my soul bit, “I lost confidence in myself. I thought everything about me was wrong. I wanted to be a new person.” I show her how an angel came into my life, disguised as a young man half my age. His name is Otis. I fall in love with his innocence and bold new ideas. Otis helps me to completely reinvent myself. Together we cut our hair, change our names and I quit my 25-year career as a filmmaker and now I am gingerly trying to create a new identity with Otis as The Funkmeyers. My soul bit listens intently.

She asks me, “How are the children?”

I show her images of the children as they are today: the then 13 year-old is now in the Naval Academy about to graduate as a Naval Officer and the then 11 year-old is a freshman studying the Irish fiddle at the University of Galway.

My soul bit is pleased to hear all this.

I invite her to leave the sorry situation at the police station and join me in my current day life, “I’m one half of The Funkmeyer show!” I show her the pink hearted Valentine’s Day decoration and tell her about the event.

My soul bit asks, “I don’t know how to do a show unplanned either. Everything in my life is planned out. That’s how I live.” The version of me at the time of this traumatic event did a lot of planning. I lived by the calendar. Meetings were very important, especially business related meetings and I always tried to be on time. I used to have a huge day planner with each day divided into half hour divisions. I planned out my days ahead of time and wrote every detail down in my planner. I knew what I would say and what I would do so that I could live my life with as few surprises as possible.

My soul bit, who is literally my psyche frozen in time, provokes a new thought in me. “You don’t know how to do a show on the fly because I am inside of you! You’re just starting a new career with a new partner. I think it’s a good idea to learn how to do the show his way – unplanned!”

Otis is the quintessential no-planer: he travels without any plans or money and calls it ‘Synchronicity Freestyle Travel.’ I admire his courage for facing the unknown in such bold new ways. Maybe I can learn to live a whole new way too? The thought excites me!

My soul bit says to me, “You can’t go wrong if there is no plan.”

“Yes! I will jump into a ‘Synchronicity Freestyle Travel’ of my own!”

“Your daughter Weixin is heading to Europe. Wouldn’t that be fun?” Sophia smiles mischievously.

My soul bit claps and laughs, “Yay! I will come with you!”

We hug and merge – we are one.

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