20 Unconditional Love Put to the Test

Many things ended on the night that time ended but one thing did not; Otis’s love affair with the other woman. The woman is still keeping me away from Otis after the End of Time. His return to me does not stop him from continuing their relationship.

Every three months or so, he takes a trip to Portland to see “friends.” Although I ask to receive no details, bits and pieces seep through. When he talks about her, his face lights up with ecstasy. It feels absolutely horrible when he is gone with her. Worse still is his return always with that stupid grin on his face.

I provide him with a stable home and intelligent conversation. He lives with me but is in love with the other woman. Perhaps this liberation has gone too far? I can share my man with random girls and prostitutes, but can I share my man’s heart with another woman? I feel like a dirty old kitchen rag–used, stained and downright old.

She is smart, beautiful and close to his age. This goes on for two years. The relationship is lasting and it is turning into a good long-distance relationship. He starts to tell me that his days of wandering are over. He has found someone he loves and someone he loves to have sex with. To make matters worse, the girl also loves him.

On good days, I try not to think about it. On bad days, I am sick with anger. In my old paradigm thinking, a woman who willingly becomes the ‘second wife’ is a less developed human. I am a first class lady. I won’t be caught dead falling that low. What is she doing, stealing my man?! On the other hand, she sounds like a very neat person. She is not upset that Otis lives with me. She is liberated. I start to suspect that I am the one with the wrong concept of love. Maybe I am the less developed human and she is the first class lover?

“Why do you have such a need for sex?” I ask Otis.

“All people have the need for sex! It feels good. It’s a wonderful thing for two people to do together.”

“But you have an insatiable need. Let’s do a soul retrieval to find out.”

I guide Otis into deep meditation. Soon, he feels great pain in his arms. He says, “My arms have been blown off from the elbows down and my legs are all twisted from the bomb. The year is 1846, I am a Confederate soldier, my name is Thomas Warren.”

I ask Thomas, “Thomas, what do you want in this new life, in Otis’s body?”

He replies, “I want a healthy body complete with arms and legs.”

“Well you have it,” I say.

He says, “I want to lift weights, have abs and dick lines like Calvin Klein underwear models. And I want to have sex with 300 to 600 girls. And guys too.”

“Well, there you have it, you have a guy in you who wants sex with 300 to 600 girls and guys.”

Otis laughs merrily, “Sounds good to me, bring it on!”

“Not funny!” I’m angry with him.

I have a man who wants to have sex and he has a woman who doesn’t. What am I to do? I ask my new spirit guide for some advice. He responds, “Forgive him for he knows not what he does.” I am upset that he gives me such a cliche, just-what-Jesus-would-say answer. He smiles in his usual loving way and fades away. This new guy is so quiet, he simply stands there and radiates love. I wish Sophia was still with me. I remember the sisterly talk we had on Venice Beach. A love sick girl needs a sister or girlfriend, instead I have Jesus. This must be a big sick joke.

To make things worse, my Inner Child and I have major beef with Christianity. I spent my entire school career at a Catholic school and didn’t like it one bit. My Inner Child and I still remember the day Mother Ip, the head nun, stood at the top of the stairs as I ran up. I was late for class. She caught me by one arm and held on so tightly that she made bruises and yelled. “You are a bad girl, you will not be allowed into heaven.” I kicked her and was suspended. Even though my spirit guide had helped me forgive Mother Ip, the hurtful memory lingered.

The Prostitute is crying. She really doesn’t want her man to have a second wife. The Black Witch is throwing tantrums. She is mad at Otis, mad at me, mad at work, just mad at everything.

It is during this time that my Inner Child and I feel really close to each other. When I was about three and a half years old, there was a little boy living next door. He was cute. We ate little goodies together and our nannies took us to the park. It was very innocent but I knew I was in love with him. One day, he disappeared. His family had moved without telling us. Since then, Chu Dai Hing, my inner child has been looking for him in every one of my lovers. She always says, “Ah, the boy-next-door is back in another body.” But I keep disappointing Chu Dai Hing by losing my men. Now that Otis is gone a lot, Chu Dai Hing has no idea why the “boy-next-door” is not as devoted to playing with her as before. My Inner Child is sad.

Humanity has had to go through so many events that deal with lost love, painful arguments with different lovers, cheating love, stealing love and molestation. I feel that these collective memories of human history are merging with the sad state of my own love affair. I feel drawn into an ocean of sorrow. My heart is tangled in thorns. I bleed and bleed. Unconditional love is great in theory but sucks like hell in practice!

The day finally comes when Otis says, “She is in town and wants to meet you.”

I am flabbergasted! This girl is bold enough to challenge the first wife?! How dare she?! This girl is very confident. In my old paradigm thinking, a girl like her wouldn’t want to show her face to the first wife. That’s an outright challenge to my womanhood. Her request actually makes me very uncomfortable. A cat fight would be so lower class! I consider myself to be very advanced, I have lofty ideals but in one little move, this girl is able to put all of that to the test.

If I say no, it would expose the fact that I am a small stupid chicken shit. If I turn her down, I definitely have lost this round. She leaves me no room but to welcome her. I will make dinner for the three of us. “A dinner for a threesome,” I joke.

I cook a sumptuous meal. Cooking calms my nerves. Just before they are to arrive, I change outfits in an attempt to look both my age and beautiful. I put on a mini dress but it looks like I’m trying too hard! I am older than her mother; that’s so depressing. I change into my usual long skirt and an old casual blouse. I’m still in the middle of changing when Otis knocks. There they are. “They?” Oh, my heart sinks. I put on a fake smile and yell, “Okay! Come in, welcome.”

They enter and I immediately notice her full bosom, muscular body and the strong hands she has from massaging. We banter back and forth. We talk about new age things. She is very knowledgable and is no stranger to spirit guides.

“I don’t want to be called the second wife,” she says, her bright eyes looking straight at me without the least bit of fear. “Otis and I decided to call ourselves Cosmic Fuck Friends.”

“Word!” I hear my uproarious, loud laughter and know my laughter is too loud as it tries to cover up the pain in my heart. Even though I choose not to have sex with Otis, her presence puts fresh pain into my choice. I doubt myself. Perhaps, I cannot have sex because my youth has passed. I am just an old hag now. Suddenly, I miss our sex having days.

After dessert, the two of them say goodbye and walk out the door together. It’s a memorable moment, to watch my husband walk off with another woman. The image pains my heart. My night is sleepless as I imagine all the things “Cosmic Fuck Friends” would do. I listen to Bruce Springsteen’s I’m On Fire. I ponder what his wife, Patti, must feel being married to a sexy man like Bruce Springsteen. I think she must be no stranger to sleeping alone with her mind going wild.
My heart is in pain and my mind is on fire. But beneath the jealous chatter, there is something new…what is it? A new sensation. I don’t hate those two. What a new feeling! I feel, I feel…happy for them.

The prostitute chokes up, “We have a sexy man, so sexy that other women want him too. In the eons of lives that I have lived, this is the first time that I feel good about my jealousy.” The Prostitute fades away to cry alone.

Chu Dai Hing says in a wistful whisper, “The boy-next-door is goned.” She adds an “ed” after any verb to indicate past tense. She sighs, “But every time he goes away, he comes back.” My Inner Child fades gently into the night.

The Black Witch says, “Oh, Let ’em go fuck themselves! I’m getting some sleep.” She disappears with a gust of wind.

Jesus smiles and beams. The red heart covered in thorns shines in neon pink, green and yellow lights. In the glow of love, I find myself in dreamland.

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